It was confirmed, Lung Cancer Stage IV, somehow I knew it, but I guess we all try to dismiss and ignore those thoughts.
He knew it too, he had those same feelings I had, but reading the medical report had a different impact, a different effect. It was offical, no more speculations, just the plain truth.
A friend went through this with his father recently, I tried to empathize and understand, but it is different when it happens to your own parent, you become silent as the disease itself.
I guess we will be fighting our own battels just like the world is fighting its own.
Welcome to the one man show
I
have came to realize how greatly mistaken we are, regardless of how successful some of us maybe, still we are missing the point, the purpose of living. We wander aimlessly in this world, believing that we are making a difference, however we are making things worse.
If you gave it some thought, you would notice that we are heading back to the stone ages, to the beginning. Technology is sucking up whatever is left of what was once a blooming nature, and pollution is bringing a new type of "Globalism" Global warming that is, too many causes to join and fight, and unfortunately they are increasing instead of decreasing.
What is more heart wrenching, is us, people, (forgive me for I can't use the term Humans anymore), our condition and life style, our logic and reason, I believe animals (what is left of them) are making more sense than we are. I can't see beauty and innocence in anything anymore, all is contaminated, soaked in the trenches of politics and lies. Everything should be calculated and measured, regardless of how trivial it is. People are masked as if they were taking part in this never ending parade, it is becoming more like a one man show, where it is all I, I, I and me, me, me. The seven deadly sins are now hip and modern and have turned to the seven keys to success. Ironically, as we are trying to re-enforce values among people, having them is a curse, your boss asks you to become less of the Triple A Respect person that you are, and I think "well Sir, they are the ones who should change, they should be less vicious". But, of course I'm at fault, I'm too respectful.
Another thought, another note
There were fireworks today, didn't know why and didn't really give a damn. All I wanted was to be out on the street watching them while enjoying the warmth of your arms around me. Maybe then I would have given a damn, maybe then.
النظرية و التجربة
إن التباين بمفهوم العلاقة و الصداقة واضح بين الناس، فتعريف كليهما يختلف باختلاف القيم، الهدف، الدين، المحيط الاجتماعي و درجة التزام الإنسان بالتقاليد المفروضة حتى لو لم يكن مؤمناً بها. فهناك من يسمو بعلاقاته و هناك من يستوي بمستوى البعير على أقل تعبير.
سؤال يطرح نفسه " هل اعتبر بناء علاقة أو صداقة مع شخص لا يحمل نفس القيم مضيعة للوقت؟"
لا، ليس بالضرورة، فهي في نهاية الأمر تجربة، و أنا أؤمن بأن كل تجربة هي عبارة عن درس، ومهما تساءلت عن العبرة، فإنك ستعيها في يومٍ من الأيام لا محالة.و يجب أن نعترف أن لكل شخص منطقه الخاص بتفسير العلاقة و الصداقة فبالرغم من الفرق الواضح بين المنطق و الا منطق في بعض الأحيان إلا أن الا منطق لا يلبث أن يصبح منطقياً أحياناً أخرى. فما رفضته البارحة، رغبته اليوم.
ربما أنا أُحمل نفسي عبء التفكير بموضوع لا يحتاج لهذا القدر من التحليل، و لكن افتتاني بآدم و حواء كإنسان من جهة و علاقتهما ببعض من جهة أخرى يدفعني إلى ذلك.
أنا لم أعد أحيا في برجي العاجي أو في أروقة خيالاتي، فأنا أعي تماماً قيمة الجهد المبذول لبناء العلاقات، و أدرك أهمية الالتزام المستوجب تقديمه لإنجاح أي علاقة، و لكن و في ذات الوقت ألاحظ أننا فقدنا بساطتنا و عفويتنا، و فهمنا أن لكل علاقة بصمتها الخاصة، فإن شابهت سابقتها في الظاهر فإنها شديدة الاختلاف من الباطن. فلم نعد نرغب ببذل جهدٍ زائد لمعرفة الطرف الآخر، و نكتفي بأحكام سطحية و مقارنة تصرفات ذلك الشخص بسابقيه.
للأسف، فمع اختلاف المعاني و المفاهيم و التعاريف، فقدت العلاقة و الصداقة المعنى الحقيقي، فأصبحا مبتذلين، مقيديين بشروط و رغبات، شروط و رغبات مادية و نفسية، فالعلاقة التي كانت مصدراً للأمان أصبحت مصدراً للتوتر، والتوتر العالي في بعض الأحيان.
Bring it on
I did feel uninspired for a while, but ironically, life never seizes to surprise me. So I know that I will be back at my desk feverishly punching my keyboard's buttons.
Oh Inspiration, such a fickle thing, whether it was the vibes of a music band such as The Killers, a phrase from a writer's note, a line from a movie or simply some incoherent babble from an idiot, they all inspire me.
I've learned my lessons during 2007, it was a rough year even to the last hour. Now I feel more confident, knowledgeable and aware of my surroundings. I had the chance to meet different people, those who made sense and those who didn't, but still I embraced it all. I actually even surprised myself, took blows left and right, but I took them standing tall, they never broke me. Each tear made me stronger, each judgement provoked me to do more, and be louder than before.
I'm quiet optimistic about 2008, not that anything different happened, it's just that I'm more resolved to live a better and more meaningful life, I'm not going to worry about what might have been, I'm just going to live each and every day, experience and moment to the full.
It is so easy to give up or be put down, to forget the reason for living and be caught in the never ending trials of life. It is so easy to mingle with the wrong crowd, to give in to the nonsense of our society, well, I'm not planning to live an easy life, I want to enjoy the occasional (constant) fight, I want to feel that I have earned my happiness.
So, 2008, bring it on :)
Infatuation (Not recommended for feeble hearts)
Finger tips trace your body's outline, drawing a picture with the palms of his hand,
Like tangled twigs, you sway back and forth against the heating storm,
You shiver and quiver for your starving for more,
You can hardly breath, gasping for air amidst the haze,
Hips pressing, hearts beating and sweet whispers won't satisfy you until he is under your skin.
Secrets will be exposed under the covers,
The thrill of letting go to one another,
And you are still together even when it ends.
في عامي الجديد
في عامي الجديد،
سأحتفل بهويتي و بأنوثتي،
سأفتخر بحكمتي و عاطفتي،
سأُلهمُ نفسي لألهم الآخرين،
سأنسى من نسيني، و أحب من أحبني،
في عامي الجديد،
سأعيش و أحيا،
سأتنفس و سأشعر،
سأقرأ و أكتب،
في عامي الجديد،
سأبصر،
في عامي الجديد،
سأصنع الحب من لا شيء.
"Laying still in bed, she watched his reflection through the balcony's wide glass sliding door, as he was shaving and trying to wipe the vapor from the bathroom's mirror. She was trying to memorize every inch of his body, his shoulders, his back, arms, and every moving muscle, she was trying to recall his scent, laugh and frown. She wanted to capture every detail and lock them in her mind and in her heart.
She remembered his words as he caressed her neck, she remembered what he whispered in her ear, He said he won't be gone for long, he asked her to wait for him, and she will wait, she promised that she will wait.
He was always good with words, "he makes sense, no matter how illogical it was, it always made sense with him" she thought.
She jumped out of bed, hurried into the bathroom and wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her head on his back. They stood like this............"
For some reason I just couldn't continue writing, something was missing, something didn't fit or just felt so unreal. How could you write about such feelings when you haven't even experienced them? Just how?. Yes, they are in my head, but, I have doubt in my head too and doubt sometimes is overtaking and overpowering my ability to complete and fully visualize my thoughts and transform them into words. Such a big mess, such a big mess in my head; thoughts scattered everywhere and I feel so incompetent that I can't even phrase them into one coherent sentence.
What I have learned
I'm currently in a position where I need to make an important decision with regard to who I want to be with and what I want my romance and relationship to look like, I should stop beating around the bush with people or situations that no longer resonate with who I am deep down.
Although I might enjoy a little flirt now and then or pursue a short term affair, yet their company and my provided attention doesn't necessarily mean that they are cut out for happiness for the long run or even worthy of the efforts given. I should be completely honest with myself about the truth of my long term desires even if I have a fickle heart for if I am not fully loved and nurtured by the person that I am with so then I should simply let that person go and make room for someone who is worthy. A part of me wants to keep my romantic life footloose; however there is another part of me that longs for that solid commitment from the person I've always desired. So the duality within me is in a permanent struggle.
I can't hide or undermine what I want; for I know that my desires aren't outrageous or lack the reality factor, I just put a good deal of emphasis on romance and the physical aspect of it. I crave intimacy in every sort, kind and form. I don't want a dictated relation, I don't want to confirm, I don't want to be pro or against, I just want to be me, accepting and being accepted.
"I don't want to live a fairy tale; all I want is to live my life"
She said, "Zena, you have a clean heart and a clean mind, you look radiant these days, but?"
I said, "But what"
She replied, "But I always notice this sad look in your eyes"
My eyes watered and I thought,
"I have this overwhelming feeling that I shall die from disappointment, a shattered soul and a broken heart, my realty check meter is not working, and I don't want it to work, period."
In your life,
In your life, if you were fortunate enough, you shall meet men the kinds of
William Wallace the Knight of Elderslie,
Robin Hood the Prince of Thieves and
Tristan of Cornwall but with those, other kinds shall accompany and sometimes prevail, others like,
King Edward 1,
the Sheriff of Nottingham, and
Donnchadh the king of Ireland.
If you were blessed enough to meet the first kind, hold on to him, honor him and love him, for he is rare.
سألني، لمن تكتبين؟
سألني، لمن تكتبين؟
أجبته، أكتب لأدم الذي تحدى فكري.
سألني، لمن تكتبين؟
أجبته، أكتب لأدم الذي نادى بحرية قلمي و صوتي.
سألني، لمن تكتبين؟
أجبته، أكتب لأدم، لأول و آخر تجربة.
سألني، لمن تكتبين؟
أجبته، أكتب لأدم، لصدرٍ حنون دفأني و ذراعين ضمياني.
سألني، لمن تكتبين؟
أجبته، أكتب لأدم الذي مرر أصابعه بين حنايا جسدي.
سألني، لمن تكتبين؟
أجبته، أكتب لأدم الذي احترم ذاتي.
سألني، لمن تكتبين؟
أجبته، أكتب لأدم الذي فهم ديني و إيماني.
سألني، لمن تكتبين؟
أجبته، أكتب لأدم الذي غفا على صدري بعد يومٍ طويل.
سألني، لمن تكتبين؟
أجبته، أكتب لأدم الذي سهر بجانبي في يومٍ مرير.
سألته، ألن تكتب يا أدم؟
أجابني، يا حواء، أنا كتبت فحان دورك لتكتبي.
سطحيين
سطحيين في قراءتهم للكتب، في نقاشاتهم،
سطحيين في حكمهم للأشخاص، في معرفتهم،
سطحيين في انتمائهم، في إيمانهم،
سطحيين في أشخاصهم،
سطحيين حتى في اتهامهم، في حروبهم،
سطحيين في حبهم، في عشقهم،
سطحيين في كتاباتهم، و كلماتهم،
هم سطحيين، سطحيين فقط.
و تسألون: من هم هؤلاء السطحيين؟
هم من يقرؤون مقدمة كتابٍ، فيلمون بالمعرفة،
هم من جالسوك ساعة، فحكموك للأبد،
هم من اتبعوا أيماناً، فأصبحوا عالمِين،
هم من حلفوا اليمين، و حنثوا بوعودهم،
هم من نادوا بالحرية، فخنقوها،
هم من اتهموك بالخطايا و هم أول مرتكبيها،
هم من طالبوك بالصدق و الحقيقة، و هم أول مكذبيها،
و تسألون: ماذا نفعل بالسطحيين؟
ببساطة، لا شيء، و إلا أصبحت من السطحيين.
رقصة
جلس أدم كعادته أمام حواء حاملاً بين يديه آلةً تشبه القيثارة. لعب بالأوتار قليلاً محاولاً ضبط أنغامها، و أما حواء فجلست صامتة تراقب حركة أصابعه تارةً و تارةً أخرى تراقب عينيه و شفتاه.
بعد أن انتهى من ضبط الأوتار، رمقها بنظرة واعدة جعلت القشعريرة تسري في جسدها و بدأت الألحان تصدر من ذلك الصندوق راسمةً خيال ابتسامة على وجه حواء التي بدأت تتمايل يمنةً و يساراً كأصابعه المداعبة لأوتار القيثارة.
دفعت الموسيقى بحواء للرقص و بدأت تدور و تدور في أرجاء الغرفة، و تحولت ابتسامتها الخافتة إلى ضحكة حواء الدافئة الساحرة التي أذابت قلب أدم منذ عهود طويلة. وضع أدم القيثارة جانباً و جذب حواء بين ذراعيه و انضم إليها راقصاً على أنغامٍ لا يستطيع أحد أن يسمعها إلا أدم و حواء.
إلى من يهمه الأمر
لا زالت لهذه اللحظة لا تفهم سبب تعلقها به، فهو في كثير الأحيان جاف، قليل الكلام، غير معبر، غامض، عنيد و مزعج، بالإضافة إلى تمتعه بصفات أخرى لا فائدة من كتابتها.
أحياناً تشعر أنها تعني شيئاً له و أنه يراها و يشعر بها، و أحياناً أخرى قد تمر أيام بدون أن ترى وجهه أو تسمع صوته فتدرك أن شعورها كان خاطئاً و أن ما أحسته كان من نسج خيالها. هي تعلم جيداً أنه رجل حنون، محب و دافىء فهي ترى ذلك في عينيه و مرات تشعر به عند سماع صوته، فتلك الصفات السابقة ليست سوى قشور، قشور الرجل الشرقي في وجه حواء.
يغيظها فترغب بصفعه، يرمقها بنظرة حب فترغب بحضنه.
تتلذذ بإزعاجه، تحب أن تراه غاضباً منها، فإرضائه عشقها.
تتدلل و تتمنع، فإغوائه هويتها.
ولازالت حواء لا تفهم سبب تعلقها به.
Idealist??? SO what.
"I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way." Carl Sandburg
Yes, I'm an Idealist, so sue me. People tell me (accuse me) of being an idealist and they give me this sympathetic look as if I were diseased.
For God sake people, since when was using our brain and our full abilities idealistic, or out of touch with reality? Since when was living in a gutter acceptable and aspiring for a better life idealistic?
I know for sure that we can become better citizens, better parents and most of all Humans, regardless of our differences and flaws. Differences are great and flaws are greater once acknowledged.
Even if life disappoints me, I can never lose faith in our abilities, I lower my expectations but never lose faith completely.
I sigh, ponder and raise my head again in the face of doubters, as tempting as it is to let go, yet, my soul urges me to stand tall and firm, even if I stood alone.
So the hell with you doubters, for I shall end poverty, I shall bring world peace, I shall relish diversity and celebrate equality, I shall fall inlove, I shall make out under the rain, I shall not have children just because I'm a wife, I shall adopt and they shall inherit, I shall live.
Trying to hold on
I am one second away from cracking, breaking, and shattering. I'm faking a smile on my face, and holding a tear in my eye. I just stare at people's faces while they are talking, I hear nothing, I understand nothing, I only see lips moving.
A heart that once was so happy, warm and loving, fell helplessly into the clutches of reality, it struggled, objected and apposed, but, alas, reality won.
Reality has succeeded in turning the heart into stone, reality succeeded in shattering the dreams, reality succeeded in butchering the soul.
Who shall revive this shattered heart in this fucked up society?
A heart's desire
I wonder how it feels
to run my fingers through your hair,
to follow your jaw line with the palm of my hand
to caress the curve in your ear,
to feel your neck with the tip of my fingers,
I wonder how it feels,
To lay my head on your shoulder,
To fall asleep in you arms,
To caress your face with the tip of my nose,
To gaze into your eyes forever,
I wonder how it feels,
To whisper I love you in your ear,
To see my reflection in your eye,
To serenade a melody for your heart,
To hear you breathe,To kiss your lips,
I just wonder how it feels to be Eve in your heart.
The sound of music
Have you ever drawn a picture of someone in your head, someone you've met shortly at first but then got to share small encounters with? You yearn and long to match the picture you have in your mind to the real version. I never made first impressions and I try not to, but with this one, I'm actually trying my best to get to know him more, maybe he does fit the persona I have held up on a pedestal for so long.
Up till this point, I have got to know his taste in things a little more than before, of course there are differences, but to me differences are way more interesting than being alike, especially if you have the ability to appreciate and understand those differences that make up that person's character.
I'm trying to savor and relish every bit we share, for I fear that we might never share more, and sometimes I have this overwhelming feeling that I will never be able to know him for what he really is. It is a pity isn't it?
They blocked Facebook
How come I'm not surprised, I am puzzled though but not surprised. The justification remains unclear, or in better words not existing. I'm not going to count the great, positive and useful aspects of Facebook nor recite its negativities; for I expect that more similar sites that allow such excessive networking to be blocked and banned too, so keep blocking and banning for there will be nothing to block anymore except for maybe our asshole, that would be an interesting piece of news wouldn't it? "Rears are blocked, Poop is banned".
رسالة حب ووداع مبهدلة
حبيبي
اكتب لك لآخر مرة، أعبر لك لآخر مرة و أحبك لآخر مرة. لم تعد الكلمات تسعفني أو تنفعني، فلقد فقدت هدفها و طريقها، فكل كلمة كتبتها و عنيتها ضُربت بعرض الحائط (يعني حيطك يا فهيم). لذلك أجمع ما تبقى من كبريائي و ألملم شتات عنفواني (يلي بحتوا حضرتك بالأراضي) و أمضي قدماً في طريقي تاركةً ورائي قلباً كان ينبض باسمك ذات مرة.
الوداع
شفت اتنين
شفت اتنين على طريق المزة اتوستراد، قاعدين على كرسي موقف جامعة الأداب،
شفت اتنين، هي حاطة راسها على صدره و هو معانقها بين ايديه.
شفت اتنين، شفتون و أنا بالتكسي، شفتون بسرعة، بس شفتون منيح.
شفت اتنين، شفت شب مبسوط، شفت بنت مبسوطة.
و رجعت على البيت و اشتريت ورد من محل الورد يلي تحت البيت و أنا في حالة رومانسية غامرة، فتحت الأنتيرنيت لأكتب يلي شفتو و لقيت الفيس بوك محجوب، الله يهدكون انشالله.
Calling Homo Sapiens,
Would it make a difference if I cried you a river,
if I begged for forgiveness,
Would it make a difference if I sold my soul to Lucifer,
if I walked to Mekka.
Would it make a difference if I said I cared,
if I did what you said,
Would it make a difference if I had a one night stand,
if I never had.
Would it make a difference if I kissed you,
if I thought of another,
Would it make a difference if I called for freedom,
if I called for reform,
Would it make a difference if I told the truth,
if I lied.
Would it make a difference if I played hard to get,
if I said, "what you see is what you get"
Would it make a difference If I bore the stigma,
if I wore it with pride.
Just would it make a difference if I were who I am,
Or
would it make a difference if I just weren't.
عيب، حرام و ما بيصير
أنا كنت دائماً فكر بمفهوم و معنى هلكلمات التلاتة، عيب، حرام و ما بيصير. ايمتى في شيء بيكون حرام؟ و أنا ايمتى بقدر قدر انو هالشي هاد عيب؟. شو هنن القوانين يلي بتساعدني ارسم الحدود و وضح الصورة.
المشكلة، حتى و أنا عم اكتب هالنوت، عم فكر انو مو عيب بنت متلي تكتب يلي بدها تكتبو هلء؟ ليش، مابعرف؟
بس مهما كانت البنت متحررة فكرياً و بشكل صحي، لسا بتكون محكومة و مقيدة بتقاليد و أفكار فايتة بالحيط، لسا بتخاف و بتاكل هم العالم و المجتمع يلي حواليها.
أنا لسا بعتبر حالي محظوظة، أهلي دائماً شجعونا أنو نقرا و نسال و نحكي، يعني لما كان عمري 13 أو 14 سنة كنت حاملة الغاز المغامرون الخمسة بأيد و الأنثى و الجنس لنوال السعداوي بأيد تانية.
الثمن يلي بتدفعو البنت لتتحرر و تعبر أكبر من الشب، لأنو المجتمع بيعتبر البنت كلها على بعضها عورة، لازم تتخبا و تتغطى.
أخر شي بيصير معك انفصام شخصية، يعني مثلاً، طول ما البنت عزبة ما لزم تعبر عن حالها جسدياً (جنسياً) و لازم ماتكون عندها رغبات جسدية (باردة)، بس لما تتجوز، لازم تنقلب قلب و تعبر بس على شرط ما لازم تكون افهم من جوزها بموضوع الجنس. غير طبعاً انو هي بنص عقل و ما بتفهم و لما بتكون بفترة الدورة الشهرية بيضربها الجنان الخ الخ الخ الخ الخ. و شلون بنت حلوة فينها تكون زكية و إذا صار هالشي هاد لازم يكون فيها غلط (معيوبة). و أذا حبيت شب و أخدت أول خطوة و عزمتو على قهوة، بتكون عم تدلق حالها عليه، يعني باختصار و بلا طول سيرة شو ماعملت بيكون عيب، حرام و مابيصير. إيه خير انشاالله .
بالناقص
هو: شكلك عندك مشكلة، مشكلة تجاهي.
هي: مشكلة، ليش ليكون عندي مشكلة معك. (بعقلها بتفكر، حبيبي أنا عندي مشكلة مع كل جنسك"
هو: ما بعرف بس أنا هيك حاسس،
هي: "بتضحك و بتتذكر وبتلعن الساعة يلي كتبت فيه هداك الستاتس على الفيس بوك"
إيه، عم العن الساعة يلي كتبت فيها انو قلبي مفتوح للحب، و أني جاهزة خوض هالتجربة، لأنو من وقتها ما وقف وجع راسي. من وقتها و الكل بيقلي " لازم تكوني واقعية أكثر من هيك".
يمكن يلي قلتوه صح، بس إذا كان صح، إيه عمرو ما حدا يحب، بالناقص. انشاالله بدي عنس و عيش طول عمري بدون نصفي الآخر، بس مارح حب مثل مابدكن انتو وهالمجتمع الزبالة.
أشباه أفكار
أشباه أفكار
صور و كلمات بدور براسي كلما بدي نام، إذا كانت هالصور أقوى، النوم بيروح.
صورة 1،
اليوم أول يوم شغل، صحيته، حضرتله الغدا وودعته و قبل مايروح عانقته ودعيتله.
صورة 2،
مثالية، كتير مثالية، لازم خفف لانه الدنيا فيها أبيض، أسود و رمادي.
صورة 3،
امتى بدي لحق أدرس، مع الشغل و الضغط، ايمتى.
صورة 4،
حبيت كلماته، حبيت عقلاته، ياترى إذا شفته حيكون مثل يلي حبيته على الورق؟
صورة 5،
لازم اشتري أواعي، كله كبير عليي.
صورة 5،
هلاء وقت النقلة على دمر.
صورة 6،
انت سطحي، سطحي كتير.
وصور أخرى ......................................................
آدم
آدم
قررت هلمرة انو اكتبلك بالعربي، قلت لحالي يمكن حاجز اللغة ما عم يوصلك يلي بالي أو يمكن أنت ماعم تفهم عليٍ، المهم انا هلء بدي بسطلك القصة و لقمك ياها وقولها بالمشرمحي.
يا أفندي حواء تعبت، أي أنا تعبت، تعبت من اللف و الدوران، تعبت من لعب "هارد تو غيت"، تعبت من فهمك أنو الرجولة هيه تكون بارد و بعيد، ما تعبر عن إحساسك، ما تمسك أيدي تحت الطاولة، ما تغمزني، ما تبوسني من جبيني، ما ترفعلي خصلة شعري من على وشي، ما تقلي انو بدك ياني جنبك، ما دقلي تلفون بس لتسمعني و أنا عم أتنفس، ما تتغالظ علي بس لتسمعني أضحك، ما تبكيني تحتى تاخدني بحضنك.
قلي يا آدم شو بدك؟
Trying
The Unfinished story:
"She rapped herself in the arms of another man, longing and yearning for what she felt before. He asked her to slow down for the end is not as fun as the start, and he doesn't want to tear her heart. She shrugged and laughed as it is already torn apart, so enjoy, she thought, what is left of this broken heart.All she could think about was the past, and a shadow of warm finger tips sliding on the back of her neck, lifting her hair up to caress her skin, a chill crossed her body and she pulled herself away from him, took a deep breath and starred at her reflection in his eyes. Vacant was the sign, similar to the room she entered as she followed her one night stand."
Conclusion:
My attempts to finish at least one of the stories I've started is becoming more and more a far fetched dream. I realized that I'm suffering from a strong and immense deprivation of inspiration and a severe condition known as "Writer's Block". Although I still enjoy observing my surroundings, yet, this sensational feeling doesn't last long enough to turn into words, even experiences have become dull, expected and anticipated. People are too real, love is calculated, relations are planned. I'm afraid to say that reality has started to firmly close its grip on me and my soul.
Words to say
Well it has been a long time since I poured my heart out on paper. There are things I want to say and shout but I can't find the words, and I don't know why.
Even now as I type this nonsense, I pause for awhile and stare at the Cursor as it is blinking and waiting for the tips of my fingers to tap the buttons on my keyboard. But alas, my fingers are frozen although my mind is raging.
Words, as if they are going to make any difference, as if they are going to be read or heard, as if they even matter. And again, the cursor is blinking, laughing at my impotence, I can clearly hear the phrase "I told you so", yes, you told me, they all did, but they are all wrong, I confess I failed, I chose the wrong battle to fight but don't laugh at me, don't look away, for you'll follow me back with the sun in your eyes and on your own.
But again, I never can find the words to say, and I don't know why???????
انسانة
اليوم شفتو ليزن لأخر مرة، ما بعرف إذا الله كاتب أنو نشوف بعض مرة تانية. شفتو ل 45 دقيقة، يمكن ما حكينا شي كتير، وطول الوقت كنا عم نخانق بعض، أنا حكياتي هبلة و بهبلها قصداً لحتى يعصب.
عطاني كتاب لأمين معلوف "موانىء المشرق"، و كتبلي إهداء، ووعدتو إني ما أقراه حتى أوصل عالبيت،
إلى زينة وبس،
مع أمل أن نلتقي في مكان أفضل و زمن أفضل. تلزم مليارات السنين لخلق إنسان واحد و ثواني قليلة ليموت.
خليكي انسانة.
إي و هي هية
يزن بدران
Yaz
ايه، و طبعاً وقع بتوقيعو الولادي.
وقبل ما يروح على شارع الثورة، تعانقنا و بوستين على الخد و كلمة انتبهي على حالك و باي .
وراح يزن......
و أنا هون انسانة و بعدني انسانة و طول عمري حكون انسانة، ولو يا يزن، ليش يلي بيعرفك فينو يكون أقل من هيك.
A Romantic Fool
Here I go again, every time I'm at the office during my weekend, I end up writing something instead of focusing on my deadlines,
I am such a romantic fool, aren't I,
"To God I plea. Oh, please hear me,
For it is only you, that is so true,
You promised me, you'll bring to me,
A pure and faithful heart as true as mine to thee,
You kept your word, and brought back to me,
The purest heart a man can see,
He bore the dart, and caught my heart,
Alas, oh Cupid, he is far apart,
For thee I pray, come night or day,
To come back here, and in my arms to stay,
For years, I concealed my tears,
Oh, how often did I complain,
For they would only say,
Sweetheart, to love is in vain,
Darling, love will bring you pain,
But, here I stand, to God I plea,
Please, my lord, bring him close to me."
Bear with me, I'm new at the poetry thing Guys :)
Simple Rambling,
Oh God, I don't really know where to start, I know things in life are supposed to be complicated and I understand that you don't always get everything you want or desire at once, or even ever, but still, it bothers me sometimes, to feel helpless and to surrender to fate or my predestined self.
So again, I pour my heart out onto paper, trying to make sense of everything happening around me, learning to appreciate what I have, and holding on to who I am.
Oh, how I fear the idea of losing my self in this world while trying to live my life, forgetting what matters and what is important and forsaking my values.
Everything is so fake around us, all plastic, what once was beating with life, has withered and died. Eyes are still and lifeless, hands are in pockets, minds are drifting, and hearts are shrinking and those who bring life are few, out of reach and scattered around the world.
I was in a good place this morning, I temporarily lost my sanity, but life has its ways, and brought me back to life, and here I am, all sane and grown up, misreable but sane.
Adam from Eve's (Zena's) perspective,
Since the beginning of creation, Adam never understood Eve and she never understood him in return, I bet you that the whole "apple" story in heaven was only to annoy Adam as most probably they had a big fight the day before.
Although Eve tries to deny it,but she really needs Adam; I am not talking about financial security and all the other material related issues as Eve is as independent as Adam, but, Adam (not always) is able to provide Eve with an amazing sense of belonging and security.
I know that Eve doesn't always play the love game fairly, but, her reactions are simply the result of an eternal and everlasting mutual miscommunication problem caused by either stubbornness, ego or I have a penis syndrome.
But, nevertheless, they are able to love each other dearly, so dearly that they even exchange body fluids, as gross as it sounds, yet it is one of the most common and important tools to express love.
So what does Eve want or expect from Adam? Well, beats me, although I am 100% sure of what I want form Adam, yet he is undeniably capable of shaking the core of my foundation, and as I write these words, regardless of my frustration with the decay of the quality of Adam's and Eve's relation,yet the image of Eve sleeping in the arms of Adam at night and surrendering to his serenade,is...is...., hmmm,well, I don't think I need to explain any further.
Dear Adam and Eve,
The pen is in your hands.
Feelings
With all that is happening, and my mixed feelings of grieving, mourning and supporting, I slip back into my sentimental mood, and I serenade,They didn't have you where I come fromNever knew the best was yet to comeLife began when I saw your faceAnd I hear your laugh like a serenadeHow long do you want to be lovedIs forever enough, is forever enoughHow long do you want to be lovedIs forever enoughCause I'm never, never giving you upI slip in bed when you're asleepTo hold you close and feel your breath on meTomorrow there'll be so much to doSo tonight I'll drift in a dream with youHow long do you want to be lovedIs forever enough, is forever enoughHow long do you want to be lovedIs forever enoughCause I'm never, never giving you upAs you wander through this troubled worldIn search of all things beautifulYou can close your eyes when you're miles awayAnd hear my voice like a serenadeHow long do you want to be lovedIs forever enough, is forever enoughHow long do you want to be lovedIs forever enoughCause I'm never, never giving you upHow long do you want to be lovedIs forever enough, is forever enoughHow long do you want to be lovedIs forever enoughCause I'm never, never giving you upIs forever enoughCause I'm never, never giving you up"Lullaby" Dixie Chicks
Yazan
I called to check on him, and he told me he lost them, but I felt that I lost them too as if they were my own.
My heart is aching, I can hardly breathe and all I can think of is Yazan.
كلما رسمتْ نفسي حدوداً كلما رغبتُ بتجاوزها، و تجاوزتها ليس تمرداً على المجتمع وعلى نفاقه و إنما تمرداً على نفسي. على نفسٍ رغبت بشيءٍ لم يرغبها، على نفسٍ هان عليها كبرياؤها، على نفسٍ تعبت و أتعبت نفسها. فها أنا اسأل نفسي: لما؟ لماذا؟ و إلى متى؟
Those thoughts were circulating my head yesterday while reading "The secret", quote, "when you want to attract something into your life, make sure your actions don't contradict your desires".
I can't stop wondering if this is the case with me, or are my actions simply a reflection of how I really feel?
The shortest Fairy tale
I received this story from a friend, although it is funny, yet it does reflect how marriage is currently viewed, it sounds more like a burden...
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said... "NO!"
And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself.
She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore
fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants...-
THE END -
Words
It is amazing how words can either help you conquer the world or lead you to surrender your life. I've been blessed with true friends who in my deepest darkest moments have stood their beside me in every sense of the word. Even those Friends whom I'm getting to know more everyday, have also added value to my life and brightened my days.
Simple encouraging words that are from the heart, are of great value to me, simple words that I end up printing out and sticking onto my monitor to be a reminder of how loved and appreciated I am. The worst thing that you can do is not to show your appreciation and concern towards someone who is of value and importance to you, or not to express your feelings and gratitude towards a loved one. Forgetting that every moment in life is of great value and that life will pass sooner than you think and then it will be too late.
I pity those who are emotionally crippled inside and don't feel pride in expressing themselves and communicating their feelings. It isn't a sign of weakness, on the contrary, it requires a great deal of courage and guts. Unfortunately, I sometimes feel like I am literally knocking on the wrong doors and expecting answers or in this case "Life".
What the hell just happened!
Sam and Sara are two fictional characters that I have created, but that doesn't mean that what they represent is fictional too. It is part of our lives whether be it work, family, friends or relations in general, for at the end, you only have to remember the so many times you thought "what the hell just happened!" ;)
Sam and Sara have been dating for a year, and on their one year anniversary they discuss what they should do on that special occasion, Sam suggests that they should go out for a pizza and catch the new released horror movie. Sara is silent, while Sam suspects that there is a problem, so he suggests to go to a Chinese restaurant instead, Sara replies "Fine" and remains quite.
Driving the car, Sam starts thinking about work and the arrival of his new boss, and whether the new boss will consider him for the new vacant position. Meanwhile Sara is thinking, 'he doesn't think that much of our relationship if he wants to eat pizza and watch a horror movie on our anniversary. I'd like a candlelight dinner, some dancing and to talk about our future. This relationship is obviously not important to him as it is to me. Maybe he feels confined and trapped, maybe he needs more space. I want a stronger commitment from him'.
Sam frowns while thinking about his previous boss and how he deliberately ignored his efforts all these years and almost caused him to lose the promotion.
Sara remains quite and starts a new train of thought, 'he is frowning now, he is not happy, may be the whole idea of celebrating our anniversary sounds more like a burden, he would rather spend that time watching a football game or playing cards with his friends. What am I supposed to do? Did he lose interest in me? It must be all the make up I wear or may be the way I dress. He did mention that I should go to the gym more often. I've talked to my girl friends about this and they think that Sam should love me the way I am and not try to change me, Maybe they're right'.
Sam's thoughts however are miles and miles away, 'I'm gonna talk to the new boss once I see him, I'll show him everything he needs to see, maybe this will help him with his decision'.
Sara still looking at Sam's face, thinks, 'he is still upset, I can see it on his face and I can feel his tension. Maybe I'm reading him wrong; maybe he wants me to show more commitment, oh gosh, he must've sensed that I feel a little unsure about how I feel towards him, yes, that's it. That's why he is not talking to me, he doesn't want to open up to me about his feelings, maybe he thinks I will reject him, I can see the hurt in his eyes'.
'Sam?' says Sara
'What?' snaps Sam, annoyed at having his train of thought disturbed?
'Please don't torture yourself like this, maybe it is my fault to think that way, I feel really bad, I think I just need some time, I mean life is hard and there are ups and downs...'
'That's true' Sam grunts.
'You probably think I'm a fool, don't you?
'No,' says Sam in confusion.
'It's just that I don't know anymore, I'm not sure, everything is so confusing, I need time out, I need to think about this'.
Sam thinks, 'what the hell is she talking about, maybe it's her hormones talking, the best things is to say "Ok" that always works'.
'Thank you Sam, you don't know how much that means to me' she says looking into his eyes and thinking of how special and understanding he is.
Once they arrive home, Sam heads immediately to his computer, he wants to prepare all the needed documents for his new boss, while Sara starts packing her things. Dragging her suitcase, Sara looks at Sam and wishes him the best of luck, she kisses him goodbye and shuts the front door, as for Sam, he stands in silent thinking, 'What the hell just happened!'
Misread
So what's on your mind? He asked
Nothing, she replied
What's on your mind? She asked,
Hmmmmm, he replied
I totally believe that silence is a text that is easily misread, although it is a virtue and sometimes has more power than words, yet, it brings doubt and doubt breads hate.
People may choose to remain silent in order to preserve their integrity, other out of fear, but, where is the truth in all of this, where is honesty.
This reminds me of a quote by Martin Luther king,
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends"
And a good friend I want to be and shall be, for I'm not here to preach as I have lost my way and require preaching myself.
What was meant to be
Today I received a really touching song (Savatage, Alone you breathe) from a Friend, Moayad, and as part of our music battle, I give him my opinion and sometimes illustrate my favorite parts. After listening to this one, I was overwhelmed with a strange feeling as if the lyrics were meant for me. I started thinking about the times we waste being angry and hurt, instead of forgiving and moving on with our lives, all the moments that we wanted to say things to people we care for but we fail to utter the words. All the times we play hard to get in relations and the times we hide our crushes and emotions for fear of embarrassment. But then, all of a sudden, death strikes and it is too late,
"In the dark a distant runner
Now has disappeared into the night
Leaving us to stand and wonder
Staring from this end into your life"
I understand the our culture prohibits us from expressing our true feelings, all is Taboo, love, passion, intimacy, sex.... all is Taboo, and if you had the nerves to speak up, you lose your innocence and be labeled for the rest of your life.
"You're thrown it all away
And now we'll never see
The ending of the play
The grand design
The final line
And what was meant to be"
"What was meant to be", how the hell can you know if you don't even try. We might as well be pronounced dead in life, for we are not living. At this point I would rather be hurt and rejected in life a million times than to wonder in my death bed "What if".
OCD
After alot of thinking, consideration and research, I came to the conclusion that I'm currently suffering from "Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), it might not be clinically supported by a therapist but I can recognize some of the symptoms, i.e.
• The tendency to haggle over small details that the viewer is unable to fix or change in any way. This begins a mental pre-occupation with that which is inevitable
• Repeated hand washing.
• Repeated clearing of the throat, although nothing may need to be cleared.
• Having to "cancel out" bad thoughts with good thoughts.
• Twisting the head on a toy around, then twisting it all the way back exactly in the opposite direction
• Panic Attacks
• Depression
"OCDs are aware that such thoughts and behavior are not rational, but feel bound to comply with them to fend off feelings of panic or dread and are consciously aware of this irrationality but feel helpless to push it away."
Although possessing the symptoms above is not an absolute diagnosis of OCD, yet it might shed a light on my recent behavior. People (only one) who really had the chance to know me can immediately spot the change, others might have chosen to observe in silence, and of course you have the "I care less" people.
How it all started (My point of view),
I have been recently over analyzing every detail whether it was related to work or to relations, I've become so obsessed with getting answers that I've been missing what was really important and of greater value.
I witnessed people backstabbing each other, trying to win sides and dragging me into the middle as if I can be of any help.
People who try to act as friends while their only intention is to compensate for their recent loss and humiliation.
People who have no idea of what they really want in life and during their search they drag you into oblivion. People who are jealous of your success (or what they see as successful) and take advantage of your trust.
People who simply used me as a stepping stone.
People who have paid no attention to me prior my weight loss and physical change, and now I'm bombarded by "their sudden interest".
My office is called "the comfort zone", many employees come to me in confidence to discuss their problems whether they were related to work or of personal nature. I try to provide a helping hand and assist them in solving or at least overcoming some of the difficulties, until of course you start to carry the burden of those people and your own. Another interesting accomplice is Gossip, oh yes, office gossip. I think most of you are aware of its affect, so no point of any further description.
So, I resort to writing, my salvation, and to my surprise, some are not that happy with it. But, I continue nevertheless, for I can't stop.
The question is, how do I over come this?, well, I choose to live everyday at a time, as simple as that.
Most polar bears could be lost by 2050
"WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Two-thirds of the world's polar bear population could be gone by midcentury if predictions of melting sea ice hold true, the U.S. Geological Survey reported on Friday.
The fate of polar bears could be even bleaker than that estimate, because sea ice in the Arctic might be vanishing faster than the available computer models predict, the geological survey said in a report aimed at determining whether the big white bear should be listed as a threatened species."
I hope we melt in hell
Who ever said "time will heal everything" was admitted into an asylum. Why am I in so much pain, my heart is beating like drums in a parade, I'm depressed, dull and out of focus.
I simply miss him, and I'm fighting every inch of my body that is trying to call him or even think of him. I don't know why I'm so attached, as if I have known him for ages.
I hate myself; I just want to rip my heart out and throw it into the garbage.
Although he respected my desire, "don't want to see your face or hear your voice", I wish he didn't. I wish he didn't.
Closure
All I wanted was closure, and I went and asked for it. It was hard to lay down the reasons but, surprisingly, no what am I saying, I knew it will be smooooooooooooth, no fights, no arguing, just the comment "if it makes you comfortable".
How can you be friends with someone you feel more intimate towards? I tried, but it didn't work, and I realized that I will be getting more attached to him. The idea of looking at his face or his eyes (which are dreamy by the way) or hearing his voice was addicting, and I had to recover from the addiction.
So, I made the decision and got my closure.
How can you get attached to someone in such a short period, well, to me it is chemistry, you always know from the start whether you are attracted to someone or not. I always know, and I'm always right.
For now, I'm in a hard withdrawal period, I'm removing him form my system, I don't want to look to his eyes, and I don't want to hear his voice.
All I need is a little girl power, so, thank you Dixie Chicks :)
The Bi&%#$@!
I realized lately that I have been a total wreck; my emotions were everywhere as if I were 6 months pregnant. Going back into my memory, I can't remember why I was so angry and so stressed for. Not that the situation now is any better, I still feel like a total "excuse my language" but I do feel like a Bitch. Unfortunately, some people had the pleasure (I'm being sarcastic here) to get to see the ugly side of "Zena" and I apologize for that. Although now I've identified one of the sources of my stress (changes at work), yet, the only thing I can do is wait and see. I'm like a ticking bomb, waiting for something stupid to be said or something idiotic to be done, and I explode, I wish I did physically, but it is worse, I become annoyingly sarcastic and hurt people intentionally. What is worse is that you realize that someone you have trusted for so long was nothing more than a weasel, using what you said as a tool to sabotage your image and reputation. Friends, as I've always said, such words are used so extensively and with out value that they have truly lost their meaning. Maybe I should stop thinking about others; obviously most people care less about others, maybe I should focus more on my career and writings and stop poisoning my blood and system with "crap" and I mean "crap" literally.
At the end, all you need is one true friend, with mutual respect, trust and concern for each other. You have to earn it, and once you did, well, you have deserved it.I have more and more and more to say, but, currently I'm in the explosion phase, where I might say something so brutal, cold and vicious that I know I will definitely regret.
Building relationships are very hard in this world. I confess that I need a push now and then and I need reassurance. Usually I never take risks when it comes to love relations, but, a good friend once told me, Mr. Sunshine, he told me that I should cease the opportunity even if I end up with a broken heart.I will not go through the details of the experience I had neither defend my actions or attitude, but, I want to express how I feel, I guess I am entitled to do that, I want to say that it is simple to build a relation, even though that simplicity was literally "Fucked up" by our community and culture.Any relation requiers compromising from both parties involved, but, the most important element is, "your heart should be in it", so, I am asking you, Was your heart in it?
